it's not my fault
... that you happen to be there when i needed an outlet for all my unknown frustrations.
yesterday night.... i was having a bout of frustration-attacks. it's just times when i feel so blardee frustrated... irritated by the SMALLEST things and i get into a bitch fit. yes... i do. haha. there's no apparent cause for this diagnosis. it just comes and i just get irritated. and everyone should steer clear and keep out of my way. because i turn into this monster who won't know who you are.... i'll just slam and snap your head off.
so it was soooo coincidental that my hyung-su gave me this piece of info from the friendster's bulletin board... it's this junior that i had, who at 18, still have problems coming to terms with his ego and the apparent way of how this world works. he thinks everything revolves around him and his group. he thinks that no one has any problems as long as he thinks it's alright.
GROW UP. frankly you need to... and you show the perfect example of how people sometimes JUST DON'T ACT THEIR AGE. my dear friend.. oh no... you're not even friend... my dear fellow alumni cum breathing-animal on this Earth...please wake up to the idea that we are not the greatest. we weren't...we aren't.. and we probably will never be IF EVERYONE THINKS LIKE YOU. you won't be reading this... but i just wanna say it. it's my blog. bite me.
as a nice piece of advice.. because i CHOOSE not to degrade myself to your level... i want to tell you.. don't bring that attitude anywhere. don't bring it to NS... don't bring it to the society... in fact you should get it out of your system.
wow. i feel good after doing that. the rebuttal i made in friendster was way too kind and probably ten thousand times behind what i REALLY WANTED TO SAY.
and i do agree with all my friends: my english does get better when i'm agitated.
listening to: fly to the sky -- gravity
i say things i don't mean...
.. all the time.
yesterday.. i went to rvco's zhi yin concert at victoria concert hall. i miss the road to the hall from raffles city. it's a path much taken when i was still in rv.. when i faithfully attended sco's concerts... everytime we would meet at raffles city... have our lunch and laugh our way there. suddenly.. these nice memories just come to me and sweep me off my feet.
so many familiar faces... that familiar stage... that familiar angle... that familiar view. it's only been 5 years since i left rvco but it felt like forever. whatever that once was nice... was no more. things changed drastically. we were a family. a nice family of 80 odd people. i knew you.. you knew me... everyone knew each other.
now it has turned into an organisation.. boasting of so many people but yet the sound that came out from them and into my ears.. they make me sad. yes.. we are louder than ever. louder than we ever imagined. but it was scattered and dispersed. and it didn't have the.... warm and cosy feeling anymore.
we used to train like hell. because we knew we didn't have a choice. even if we couldn't make it.. we had to go on stage and compete with the rest. so we trained and trained. because we want to make the best out of whatever we had. because we want to do our best and disappoint everyone who was behind us. now? you train like hell because if you don't.. you don't even get to go on stage.
we are moving towards the same aim of course. maybe the end justifies the means. as long as you get a good name... a prize.. a good ranking.. perhaps how it was achieved... at what expense doesn't matter. maybe it's just me. i think it's sad. very sad. but maybe you guys.. under a new leadership.. which i don't really approve of anyway... think different. all that matters is to gain the attention of some particularly irritating ... i don't know what noun i should use to classify. it doesn't matter.
when the repertoire ended with ai shi qu... i thought i was going to cry. it was overwhelming.. the gaohu solo always stuck in my mind... so did the banhu part... so did the percussion.. .so did the cello bass... so did the guan yue... so did everything. overpowered by the intensity of my memories... i thought i was going to really cry there and then.
i miss rvco. i always say i don't.. but i do. i miss the good old days. i miss everybody whom i shared tears and laughter with. i don't think i can find these at where i am now.. and perhaps that's what make me miss them more.
i'm always saying things that i don't mean. i think i ought to live with honesty soon.
three cheers to rvco.
listening to: shinhwa -- story of sadness
trusted and trusting
lolz. i didn't realize how long it was since my last post until my hyung-su told me... well.. so let me give my mind a big run-through...
school has started... but as it started and as i face the new school semester... i was hit by news that i may have problems with my health. because of that particular health test i took.. it turned out that i have liver and kidney problems. i was made to test my blood again... and if everything was clear.. i can live in peace.. if they ring me up again... i have problems.
they rang again and for four days... i lived with the thought that i was going to die. perhaps in the next hundred days. then i was thinking what i would do in hundred days... i would quit nus.. i would use all my savings and for the first and last time of my life... board a plane and zoom myself off to japan and korea. i'd most probably not have the chance to see shinhwa in my life... that would be the biggest regret so far. then i also started thinking. i'm 20. i'm dying and i haven't been in love. that would be the next biggest regret. i didn't dare to tell anyone but my siblings and though i said i wasn't afraid, i cried silently in the night... as i fear closing my eyes. maybe i wouldn't even have a hundred days.
but then of course.. everything turned out fine.. won't go into details but rest assure that i'm fit and healthy. okay.. i have a lousy lifestyle.. but i'm trying to change.
i took up archery... and now have a big bruise on my arm... but one of the members say i have the potential so i stayed on... which means i'll lose my fair skin soon. dam i'd better start stocking up on sunscreen....
hyung-su's making me nostalgic... i suddenly remembered a lot of things from the past... the days where nice and nasty stuffs happened.... there were laughter, there were tears. i miss those days... however crappy they are.
and then i started to wonder.. something which always comes to my mind once in a while...
if you hadn't let go.. what would have happened?
i would either be very happy now... happier than ever. or i would be very bitter.
somehow... i'm glad you did. because i don't think you did what you did because of that.
listening to: keane -- bedshaped
me and my cello
today is the first co practice in 2005. and i loved it. i think i can say i enjoyed every moment of it. i lost my scores unfortunately (will need to get them again) but i'm so glad that... i can play what i'm supposed to without looking at my own scores.. cuz i made a lot of markings... and now that i don't need them.. can i say i improved on my sight-reading?
today when i touched my cello... and as i pulled my bow against the strings... the sound that came out... they just sound so appealing to me... it's rich and full... i think it's just the cello... but i'm still so affected... makes me think i'm playing it right.. haha.. whenever my notes are in sync with the orchestra... whenever i hear that the harmony i play is complementing the main melody so well... bringing out the effect and the visual of the piece... i get so excited.. and i play extra hard ( which my friend agrees that somehow i look too serious... alright i shall keep a straight face next time. keke)
after practice... we helped rehearse
edelweiss... a 3 beat piece... the notes are fine... only some higher notes had me jumping all over the place... but eventually i managed to get them.. it's the beat that i'm confused over. haha... geez.. i cannot manage a 3 beat piece!!!
i'm loving my cello...my music.
listening to: jay chou -- fan fang xiang de zhong
my weak heart
yesterday... for that particular moment, everyone in my family thought my sister was dead. she fainted in the toilet... my mum dragged her out, screaming for my father and my brother to help. she shook my sister... shouting her name.. on the verge of tears. my father too.... was crying as he shouted for her... my breath stopped. my heart stopped. i think i must have died that moment too. until my second sister exclaimed.
"stop shaking her! she's waking up already."
and my sister did. good grief. thank god.
i think my heart cannot take anymore of such... rollercoaster rides. the thought of it.. even until now... keeps me from breathing properly. i'm weak.. i'm weaker than everyone thinks i am. i appear to be unaffected but i'm weak. and i'm bloody affected. i don't know why i have to end up facing all these crap.
why me. the question that will never fail to bewilder me. i think i need to go somewhere... where i can run away from all these chaos. send me packing to a world where i can close my eyes and become the sky. i can tear away from all these emotions that can wreck me.
i pray for peace. for life. for love.
listening to: mavis fan -- chu qi qiu
