you know.. i don't even understand myself anymore.
every minute...every moment.. i am doing things that i don't understand. that i myself don't understand. i fully knew that if i were to continue.. i would lose all grounds. i would lose all the chances that i.. perhaps have.. even if it was just something sooo slim..
but i chose to do what could have been devastating. i fully presented what was happening in a way that would render me as failure. but i did. and i don't understand why i did. i would suppose that i did so because i wanted to have another kind of victory... regaining all the fortresses despite my means and measures. this would have proven my worth totally.
but i know that won't happen. i have lost all my fortresses in the battle.. who am i fighting against? i don't even know.. and i talk about being in a battle. i'm perhaps battling myself. my consciousness vs. my dreams. i know my consciousness would be the ultimate winner.. putting me straight back to where i belong. but my dreams cloud my judgement.. getting over the better of me.
i want to forsake the battle on this piece of land and move over to another. but, as i've said.. my dreams clouds my visions.. and yes.. i'm still stuck in this fruitless battle... knowing that when the last day comes... my men would have died and i myself, the last man standing.. would look failure in the eye and end whatever there has been too.
yet.. i'm not on the track to ending this war. i was so close to victory.. then an indecisive mind marked my failure.
i've tried, i've fallen.
listening to: shin -- hai kuo tian kong
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